By: Fredrik the Talkative
Good evening, Pedersen. Wow, what weather we’re having! Spring is supposedly in the air, but it feels like it’s out of reach. And what a hassle it is, I tell you. Quite a hassle!
The other day, I was up in Jensen’s hayloft, taking a break after reading Ibsen’s complete works. Then, there he was – Niels Hokasse – crawling up and asking if I’m awake. Awake? I’ve been awake for the past forty years, Pedersen, you can bet on that! But then, with a strange and eerie voice, he says, “Fredrik, something’s wrong – the cork’s in!”
I pretended to be asleep.
“The cork’s in, Fredrik!” he insists.
“Stop kidding so early in the day, Niels,” I replied.
“No, this is serious,” said Niels. “Prohibition of spirits starts today at nine o’clock sharp. The cork’s in!”
I kept pretending to sleep, but he wouldn’t let it go.
“The cork’s in, Fredrik!”
“Come on, don’t bother me, Niels. It’s too early for jokes,” I told him.
“No, it’s true,” he persisted. “There’s a complete spirits prohibition starting today at nine o’clock – and that’s final!”
So, feeling a bit concerned, I decided to keep pretending to sleep. But Niels couldn’t resist.
“The cork’s in, Fredrik!”
“Alright, stop it now, Niels,” I said. “Let’s not joke around so early in the day.”
“But it’s true,” Niels insisted. “There’s a nationwide spirits prohibition starting at nine o’clock today.” He pointed to big bold letters in the newspaper: “Spirits Prohibition for the Entire Country at Nine O’clock.” And underneath, the name “Rode” stood. Rode? Then it must be true. I know him personally, but I won’t say anything about him because he knows something about me!
“Oh, Pedersen, it was a nightmare,” I exclaimed.
We stood there for a while, feeling a bit lost. That’s when Niels said, “What should we do, man? This is a serious problem! Have you grasped the gravity of the situation?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “It’s a complete disaster!”
“What’s that?” Niels asked.
“I don’t know, but that’s exactly what it is!”
“We must come up with a plan. We can’t just sit here. How about making some moonshine?”
“Let’s calm down,” I suggested. “Let’s take it easy. We’ll go down the ladder slowly and quietly. And maybe, just maybe, when we reach the bottom, the prohibition will be lifted?”
But, alas, it wasn’t. It was just a light drizzle. Not much fun getting wet on the outside, right?
Then, Niels came back with the same question, “What should we do? I mean, what on earth should we do, little Fredrik?”
“I’ll tell you, Niels. Let’s go to Salt Island. They don’t know anything about the prohibition there!”
But that plan didn’t work out. Niels has a fear of mines. I don’t know why, but his ex-wife, Siv, was named Rasmine. (Sorry, Pedersen, that’s not like me.) So, I suggested, “Niels, let’s broaden our horizons. Let’s go to the Marsh Museum. Have you ever been to a museum?”
“Well, no,” he replied. “I’ve only been to Hartkopff’s.”
“Alright,” I said. “We’ll go to Thorvaldsen’s Museum. Maybe someone left a bottle behind one of the statues.” So, we went there, but all we found was dust. Poor Niels got dizzy looking at all those statues piled up. The guards probably thought we were planning to have fun with carnival costumes, wearing masks and sheepskin coats! So we quickly moved on to the National Museum of Clutter. However, there were such vast spaces, we felt dizzy just walking around. It was terrible. And if you needed help, there wasn’t a soul to be found.
Niels said, “No way, this won’t work. I’d get a migraine from staring at all those paintings. And I’m afraid of migraines. Aren’t there any smaller museums around here?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “We can go through the Palace Gardens and visit Hirtzprungs Museum. Oh, but wait, no. We got kicked out. They mistook us for cigars!”
But then, we walked down Krystal Street and went to the Museum of Sofology. Surprisingly, there wasn’t a single person there. It’s quite remarkable how few people are interested in sofolo… sofo…whatever it’s called, in this town!
We looked at enormous butterflies, beavers, knobs, and other strange things. They smelled quite nice, just like spirits. So, I said to Niels, “We’ll spend the rest of the day here!”
And then, we came across a huge sea turtle. Underneath it said, ‘Amerikus idiotikus.’ It was floating in an entire ocean of spirits and had a big grin on its face.
Niels trembled and his teeth chattered when he saw it. He looked like a hairbrush in the face. Poor guy, he’s quite nervous by nature. You see, he comes from a good family. That’s when I told him, “Alright, calm down, Niels, and gather your courage. You’re facing a serious situation in your life, just like Napoleon did when he faced Helene…or whoever it was. Let’s wait until the Admiral, who’s keeping order, gets a bit more relaxed in his chair. Then, we’ll make our move!”
And just like that, within a matter of minutes, we managed to drain that entire sea turtle!
We were about to continue our adventure and start on a python when the Admiral woke up, so we had to leave. But we vowed to go back every time the museum is open. We have enough spirits to last us, the first couple of years!
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